Wednesday, September 08, 2004

And now the best of Craigslist...

Hey, hold my beer and watch this.....

My friends are fond of saying that my last words on this earth will be something akin to, "hey y'all, hold my beer and watch this!" Well, I have outdone myself once again. No doubt you will see this true story chronicled in a LifeTime movie in the near future. Here goes.............................
Last weekend I spied something at Larry's Pistol and Pawn that tickled my fancy. (Note: Keep in mind that my "fancy" is easily tickled. I had gone into the Star Market to pick up some milk yesterday and I bought a super ball in the checkout line--50 cents. What a bargain! It tickled my fancy--still does. That thing bounces soooooo high, and it has provided me with hours of entertainment. It just doesn't get any better than that, now does it?) I'm so easily distracted. That dang super ball is so much fun. So what were we talking about? Oh yeah, I bought something really cool at Larry's Pistol and Pawn last Saturday. The occasion was my 50th birthday and I was looking for a little something extra cool.

What I came across was a 100,000 volt, pocket/purse sized Tazer gun with a clip. For those of you who are not familiar with this product, it is a less-than-lethal stun gun with two metal prongs designed to incapacitate an assailant with a shock of high voltage, low amperage electricity while you flee to safety. The effects are supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, but allowing you adequate time to retreat to safety. You simply jab the prongs into your 250 lb. tattooed assailant, push the button, and it will render him a slobbering, goggle eyed, muscle twitching, whimpering, pencil neck geek. If you've never seen one of these things in action, then you're truly missing out--way too cool!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was so disappointed. Upon reading the directions (we don't need no stinkin' directions), I found much to my chagrin that this particular model would not create an arch between the prongs. How disappointing! I do love fire for effect. I learned that if I pushed the button, however, and pressed it against a metal surface that I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs that I was so looking forward to. I did so. Awesome!!! Sparks, a blue arch of electricity, and a loud pop!!! Yipeeeeee . . .

I'm easily amused. Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries, etc., etc. There I sat in my recliner, my dog Molly looking on intently (trusting little soul), reading the directions (that would be me, not Molly), and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood target. I must admit I thought about zapping Molly for a fraction of a second and thought better of it. She is such a sweet doggy, after all. But, if I was going to use this thing to protect myself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong? Was I wrong to think that? Seemed reasonable to me at the time. So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, Tazer in another.

The directions said that a one second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a loss of bodily control; a three second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. All the while I'm looking at this little device (measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference, pretty cute really, and loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries) thinking to myself, "no bloody way!" Bloody way--trust me, but I'm getting ahead of myself.

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best. Those of you who know me well have got a pretty good idea of what followed. I'm sitting there alone, Molly looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it daddy," reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny lil' ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad (sound, rational thinking under the circumstances, wouldn't you agree?).

I decided to give myself a one second burst just for the he11 of it. (Note: You know, a bad decision is like hindsight--always twenty-twenty. It is so obvious that it was a bad decision after the fact, even though it seemed so right at the time. Don't ya hate that?) I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and Holy Dad Dam Cr @p! DAM!!! I'm pretty sure that Jessie Ventura ran in through the front door, picked me up out of that recliner, then body slammed me on the carpet over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, n-pples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, soaking wet, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position. Molly was standing over me making whimpering sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it again daddy, do it again!" (Note: If you ever feel compelled to mug yourself with a Tazer, one note of caution. There is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself. You're not going to let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. Then, if you're lucky, you won't dislodge one of the prongs 1/4" deep in your thigh like yours truly.) SON-OF-A-Biscuit-Eater that hurt! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at this point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they get there??? My triceps, right thigh and both n-pples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, as my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. +/- an ounce or two, I'm pretty sure.

By the way, has anyone seen my testicles? I think they ran away. I'm offering a reward. They're round, rather large, kinda hairy, and handsome if I must say so myself. Miss 'em. Sure would like to get 'em back.


Don't Eat at Burger King before Sex!!!

Let me start by saying that my room doesn't have windows. My apartment is in the basement, and I have the inner room, so when you shut my bedroom door and turn off the lights you are suddenly transcended to the deepest, darkest cave on earth.

So I was casually dating this hot, young, blonde, Paris Hilton-esque flight attendant. God was in a good mood when he made her. One night we went out and had drinks with a group of her friends and some friends of mine in town from NJ. Went back to my apartment with a good buzz going. Don't smoke much but my buddy had some MJ... a few hits later and I'm stoned.

So I took the girl back into the love cave aka my bedroom. Door shut, lights out, pitch black. We're both on the bed feverishly and blindly stripping each other of clothes. Jimmy's at attention. She asked if she should get a condom, and of course that was an affirmative. She grabbed her purse that was mixed in with her pile of clothes on the floor and fished around for the condom. A few seconds later she returned with the rubber. Yes! I'm high and I'm about to get laid! She handed me the condom. I went to open the wrapper but it did not tear in typical fashion. I really had rip the fucker hard to get to the contents but nothing was going to stop me. Once I got through the barrier wall I felt around for the rim of the condom. Where the hell is it?!?! Was this a faulty empty condom pack? I felt a lot of lubrication, but no rubber. OHHHHH!!! I got it, I told myself..... This girl had always been a little kinky and was often into the foreplay and flavored lube pack thing...I'd seen this before. This girl really wants to have some fun tonight! Aww Yeahhh!! Freaky-Deaky!!! So I commence to find that inner freak inside me and prepare to let loose. I squeeze some lube into my hand and throw a little on the dills. Ahhhh... Warm some more up in my hand and start rubbing her down... tits, stomach, and most intimate of areas. We're both really getting into it. I give her a dab and she rubs down my chest. I start to feel a warm sensation on the skin that it covered...awesome, it's the tingly sensation kind, even better!! I start rubbing the dills against her hot, super lubricated hole...

"Alright, now give me the condom" I say. "I just did" she replied. Huh????? I'm so confused at this point??????? "No you didn't??????"

I reach over to turn on the light. WHAT THE FUCK???!!!!! This girl had been to BURGER KING that day. What she thought was a condom and I thought was lube was really FUCKING MUSTARD!!!! AAHHHHH!!!!!!!!!

I had to walk from my bedroom to the bathroom which involved a direct pass by all of my buddies hanging out in the living room. With mustard on face, in chest hair, and the vinegar in it now burning my urethra, I shamefully walked by them and their weeping laughter. As for the sex, let's just say it killed the mood. My dills is just glad that BK doesn't serve Tabasco.


11 Large Trojan-enz condoms

OK, these are 11 fully respectable, fully securely packaged, fully safe (expire in 2006) condoms for the more endowed. Specifically they are Trojan -Enz Large, lubricated, latex. They just weren't quite the right size (don't ask). We'd love to give them to others for joyful use, as opposed to the dump as joyless junk. So, to avoid undue embarassment on anyone's part, we are taping them (at 7:57 p.m.), in a rain and ego protective opaque plastic bag to the back of one of the two stop signs at the Northeast corner of N. 57th street and Kirkwood Place N. (a very quiet residential intersection in the Greenlake neighborhood). On the white bag is written in magic marker "Craig's List." Come and get them under the cover of night or in the broad daylight if they are still there by tomorrow morning. Enjoy!


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