Wednesday, November 17, 2004

Our Copy Tech Is A Dick

Some service people are kind, courteous, and upbeat. They come to your office and engage in polite conversation, relate with you about the struggles of a 9-to-5, (and fuck it) they might even give you the wink-and-gun before servicing whatever it is they're here for. In this instance it is our copy machine, aka Piece-Of-Worthless-Fucking-Shit. And then you have the space invading (2600), condescending, and overtly asshole Copy Tech's who manage to not fix anything. Actually I'm generalizing, I've only met one such bastard, coincidentally he's the focus of this expose.

Now the funny thing is we know what's wrong with the copier...the paper jams. In fact we can provide temporary fixes to it. We only call the Copy Tech so he can prevent the paper jams using his “expertise” to really fix our copier. I mean that's his job right? He's not a cop that falsely arrests someone after the crime, he's the condom, he's supposed to prevent this from happening. However, much like a greasy and unshaved Tow Trucker who gets work in the desert by putting nails in the road, the Copy Tech seems to have the foresight to retain employment by continually fucking things up. He makes himself useful by being useless. And we still call his punk ass back, jam-after-jam-after-Roger can you please fix this-jam? But is that really what's bothering me?

Do I really care if my employer burns money on this chump? I mean without our financial contributions he wouldn't be able to maintain that corny-ass-beard he has hugging his pseudo distinguished face. I stand corrected, he just walked by and it's now a goatee. Very stylish.

Without our donations this poor man would be relationship starved. He wouldn't be able to maintain his friendship with whomever talks him through each repair session via his Nextel. Beep. And that would be sad. Beep. If one of us is enslaved by stupidity none of us are smart. Believe that shit. Over.

I have a cousin who can't wait to get out of Junior College and go to a "real" college. He claims that JC is just like High School. Until this moment I contended with him that a four year University and even his jobs post-college degree will be like High School as well. He brushes me off and probably thinks I'm full of shit and antisocial. Today I realize my idea of life being High School in perpetual motion is incorrect, because the truth is you never get out of Elementary School.

It all starts in elementary school. Some people say hi to everyone but you. Some kids hog up the desk during crafts and leave you no space. Some kids would even take shit out of your cubby. Then there’s the old let’s-get-in-the-door-and-close-it-before-so-and-so-can-get-in trick. Remember that? I don't whatsoever! Because that shit never happened to me, but I always felt sorry for the kids that it did happen to. Funny how the tables have turned because this Copy Tech is using advanced playground tactics to fuck with me only it’s within an office environment. He smiles and says hello to everyone, then comes in my area (where the copier is) and doesn’t say a word. Suspect? He clutters my area and takes up way to much space. Hmmm? He was walking into the office 10 steps ahead of me and just shut the door. You’re fucking kidding me right?

I try retaliating by stepping all over his Copy Tech tools (which are really just fancy screwdrivers) and I keep going in-and-out of my area in a fluster. I even select all Rap mp3's and play my music louder than normal while giving him those “you haven’t fixed it yet” and “back again huh” looks. Now this behavior was cool when I was 11 and my brother was 7 and we’d just argue like kids do. But I’m a grown-ass-man, and this Copy Tech, he’s way older than me.

Today he beat me to the office and I found papers which were jammed in the copier, an extension chord, and a thick pile of Japanese documents on my desk. Then I saw the shark walk by my area and I knew the class asshole had struck again. What a fucking clown! The Japanese documents were an especially nice touch since no one here speaks nor reads it.

See if life were really always in High School mode (as I previously speculated) I’d be able to justify this wanksters’ behavior as racist. That argument got me all through High School even when I was wrong. But alas in Elementary we had less of a concept of racism and would just chalk up such behavior as very asshole-ish. In Highschool I would’ve probably punched this dude in P.E., but in Elementary there was a better chance of intervention by the higher-ups. Case in point, I went to a co-employee’s office after seeing my desk this morning, shut the door, and screamed the “Copy Guy is a Dick.” I think I even jumped up-and-down while repeating it. My co-employee asked if she should get another Copy Tech since this one isn’t playing nice. Well she didn't say the "play nice" bit but if this is not an Elementary School type fiasco I don’t know what is?

Life goes on. I'll deal with. The best cure they say is to share your problem.

So while sitting on a bench at recess, eating cookies with tea, I leaned over cupping my hand and began whispering this story to you, but it’s a secret ok, don’t tell anyone...but the Copy Guy Is A Dick!

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